


Cathedrals

by Elywyngirlie



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, EU Elements, F/M, Force Bond, Gen, Possible torture, Really I just wanted to get into their heads, Reylo - Freeform, Romance, Slow Burn, dreamscape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-02-12 20:45:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12968085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elywyngirlie/pseuds/Elywyngirlie
Summary: Repost of a story taken down due to being mobbed by haters.Original Summary: He crafts her a dream world, giving her everything her little scavenger heart secretly hopedfor. Swiftly he takes it all and destroys what Rey has built. How will she go on? And canhe ever been redeemed?originally posted: 1/10/16 and completed 1/21/16





	1. The Interloper

**Author's Note:**

> The original tags also said not incest until proven in court but even then I'm Reylo trash until I die because man those early TFA days, man. We were *concerned*
> 
> Here it is! Special Thanks to Poor Queequeg who saw this and loved it and encouraged me to finish this thing, the first fanfic I had ever written in like 10 years. She's the best. 
> 
> Title of work stolen from Raymond Carver's story and from Hamilton

Rey struggles with the last stone, trying to get it to balance perfectly, before blowing out her breath and slumping. The stones collapse without her attention to keep them together. Exhaustion grips her and she slowly breathes in, reaching for the Force to flood her system with energy. At least enough to make it to dinner.

“Enough. Rest,” Luke’s voice interrupts her. She looks up. Luke stands before her and smiles softly, gesturing toward the scattered rocks. “You did well, Rey. Your control is excellent.” She grins back, suddenly energized by his praise. He beckons her to follow him and they walk together down the hill to his home, where a warm fire and dinner are ready. Her stomach grumbles loudly. He chuckles at the sound and motions for her to take a seat at the driftwood  
table. Everything in his old home has been found or donated by the Resistance since they discovered he was on the planet.

  
“I don’t know if I will ever feel full,” she confesses as they sit down. She has been with Luke-- Master Skywalker--for almost a month now. The Resistance dropped off supplies recently, replenishing their foods and medicines--and to discover when Luke was returning-- and Rey took full advantage, heaping larger portions on her plate and digging in.

“I was like that once--but then again, I was a teenage boy,” he reassured her, albeit with a teasing lilt to his voice. Rey relaxed as they enjoyed their meal quietly. She basked in his presence-- soothing, warm, giving. He was an excellent teacher. the standard month had gone by quickly. He balanced physical training with meditation and exercise. He emphasized battle forms but, Rey sensed, reluctantly. He was not what she was expecting, and not even what she thought he would be after their first meeting on the cliff. Reserved, cold, resigned to her presence. In the last weeks, he has opened up to reveal what would have been an inspiring teacher, the one who would have cultivated followers. Rey briefly asked what happened to his students to only have him shut down and spend the rest of the night meditating.

  
Luke had increased the intensity of her training since that day. Rey didn’t think he was punishing her--she sensed their time on the island was ending and he knew it. They were on borrowed time, waiting the Resistance to call and to demand General Skywalker’s return to end the war.

After dinner, Luke and Rey played a round of sabaac. Luke interspersed his cheating with lessons on using the Force to accelerate healing--not something Rey needed yet, but might. She finally slipped off to her own private hut to meditate and to rest. She slid into sleep seamlessly and dove  
into her dream world.

_She was back in the forest. Thick trunks and soaring trees surrounded her and she smelled moss, cedar, and tree sap. The heat was not oppressive like Jakku; it pleasantly buzzed against her skin. She could faintly hear water running south of her. She began walking toward it, listening to the clicking of the insects, the chirping of the birds and basked in the solitude. This place brought her peace._

_She entered a clearing where a waterfall cascaded into a small stream. Rey took a deep breath and relaxed. This is where she came every day to recharge. On the other side of the stream was a small meadow, filled with flowers, and a tent, its fabric sides blowing gently in the wind. Foodand drink sat on tables, sweat beading on the sides of the pitchers. Rey greedily plundered the plates, stealing bits of fruits, meats, cakes, until she was full. She felt no shame here licking a_ _plate clean, followed by sucking on her fingers to get every morsel. There was no hunger here._

_This was her safe place._

_Her place._

_It belonged to no one._

_Rey ambled along the forest, some trees bursting into bloom with pink and white flowers, others tall and dark, crowding together so_ _closely that the forest was thrown into permanent twilight. She climbed a series of rocks until she came to an overlook and gazed at the valley below her. Her place. Scavengers take what they found and she claimed this as her own._

Every day was the same since Rey came to the island, broken only by how hard Luke trained her. Wake up, morning meditation, morning stretches, light meal, exercises, peppered throughout with history and skill training. In the forest on Starkiller base, she had easily accessed the Force but without finesse. On the island, she focused on learning how to listen to the Force, to work with it, to hone in on finer points. She learned rapidly. And at night she returned to her valley, to laze in the sunlight, to stroll through the meadows, to splash in the waterfall, and to gorge herself on the lavishly laid out table.

_Rey slowly chewed a slice of beelpop melon, the purple juices staining her fingers, as she enjoyed the bird song filling the meadow. A cool breeze ruffled the tent’s sides and tickled wayward strands of hair against her face and neck. She leaned back in her chair and propped one leg on the table for balance. A part of her mind registered how tactile everything was in the dream. The thick linens of the tent’s drapes, the succulent flavor the melon as she bit down on the flesh and swallowed its tangy juices._

  
_A sudden silence swept through her valley. Rey leaned forward and sat the chair down. She stood up and tensed her muscles as she listened, waiting, until the unmistakable sounds of someone whistling hit her. Someone had entered her clearing. She reached for her staff and edged forward, peeking around a tent pole, and using the tent’s curtains to mask her. A tall man was walking across the field, whistling, and waving a stick around. Rey frowned. He abruptly sat down and began playing with the flowers, pulling the heads of the stems in the field._

  
_Rey entered the light. The man looked toward her as if he suspected she was there and shot her a lazy smile._

_“Hello,” he greeted her, his voice low and pleasant. “What are you doing here?”_

_“I can ask you the same,” she responded, holding her staff tight. What crazed figure did her brain conjure up for her tonight?_

_“Went exploring and came across this beautiful place,” he responded as he began to lace together stems._

_“This is my dream,” Rey shot back. “You can’t just go exploring.”_

_He frowned slightly. "Hmm, I thought it was mine.” He laughed. “No matter. Room enough for both?” He smiled again and Rey eased her grip on the staff. Obviously, her brain was playing tricks on her. Best to just go with the flow. No one said dreams had to be logical. She gazed at_ _him as he returned to making a flower chain before turning and starting her regular hike to the top of the valley._

The communication came early in the morning for them. Rey was checking the messages to see if there had been an update on Finn and saw the coded message for Luke. She sent him an urgent  message and waited outside the hut for him to give her the results.  
“Time to gear up,” he said grimly as he stepped outside. “Chewbacca will be here within a few hours and we must go.” He ran through a list of what he thought she should bring and headed into his home to begin to pack.

Rey felt the Falcon before it even hit atmo. She ran down the steps to greet and wrap her arms around Chewie once he emerged. He ruffled her hair.  
 _Is he treating you well?_ he grumbled.  
“For the most part,” she laughed. Chewie poked at her.  
 _You’ve gained some weight, so not too bad,_ he remarked as he helped her load the items on the ship. Luke wanted no evidence of their occupation.

 _The First Order has found out where Luke is. They don’t know what planet but they know this_ _star system. We have to hurry_ , Chewie informed her. Rey shot him the strangest look as she finished stacking crates.  
“How did they find out?”

“We seem to have a spy in our midst,” Luke responded as he walked up the ramp into the ship.

“Let’s go. They will be here shortly and I don’t want to have to outrun a Star Destroyer. I’ve done that too many times already.”

  
A strained silence filled the ship as the three headed out. Chewbacca occupied the pilot seat with Rey as his co-pilot. She loved the feel of the Falcon in her hands. She loved to fly. It required strict discipline, an attention to detail. but within that discipline, there was room for improvisation, growth. It ate up most of her attention and keen intelligence to fly an old rig like the Falcon. She could get lost in it, as she did before, on Jakku. Although, Rey noted with some wonder, she didn’t need to lose her mind within itself as much. Luke, her friends, the Resistance, the Force took much of her mind away.

As they headed out of the system, Rey felt a dark presence fill her head. She stiffened. She knew this presence. It say heavy on her skin, on her mind, straining to break through her walls.  
“Breathe, Rey,” Luke murmured from the seat behind Chewie. “I feel it too. Focus on hiding your Force signature.”

 _I have the controls,_ Chewie reassured her. Rey closed her eyes and focused on her breathing, erasing any mark of herself in the Force, allowing any sense of herself to dissipate. She was a leaf on a wind, she was a flower blooming in the sun, she was everywhere and nowhere. The heaviness eased.

_Rey giggled at the boy’s comment. He smiled wide at her joy. He was tall, with broad shoulders and a disarming smile. She found it irritating that he was still in her dreams but his silly jokes and affable nature began to chip away at some of her natural distrust. He often made flower chains, or climbed trees, occasionally sat down and ate in silence with her. He had offered to repair her staff after they shared a plate of cavaellin creams, the spices still burning the roof of her mouth._

_After a fight with Luke, a part of the staff was damaged and Rey just hadn’t repaired it yet. She handed it to him and watched as he fiddled with it, easing out the crooked end to a straighter line._

_“How come you’re here?” she asked again, pouring them cups of cassius tea. She loved its flowery taste and drank it every chance she got. It tasted like spring, she imagined. Springs she had imagined on Jakku and had hoped to experience one day. As a consequence, a warm pot was always on the table whenever she entered her dream world._

_“I could ask the same of you,” he lazily replied as he handed her back her repaired staff. She ran a critical eye over it and could find no fault. He had welded together two of the pieces and had restored stability to the balance._

_“Anyways, you ask too many questions. This is my relaxation place. I come here to find peace,” he said, holding the cup in one hand and gazing at the valley. He had a sad, dreamy smile on his face, Rey reflected. She watched as he slowly dropped his shoulders from their tense position._

_“Maybe there is a just one dream world and only a few of us are lucky enough to find it,” he half whispered. He turned to see her watching him and threw her a cocky grin. “Don’t ask too much, I say. Eat, drink, and be merry.” He saluted her with his tea, drained the mug, and then went outside to do his hike. Rey had seen him head of on his own walks but had never followed. She watched him this time, mulling over her tea, lost in her thoughts._


	2. The Hook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Luke return to the Resistance to lead in the battle against the First Order.  
> Meanwhile, the stranger in Rey's dreams begins to come closer and to intrigue her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I'm being super slow at re-loading this. Sorry!

The Resistance had relocated to another planet. D’Qar was known to the First Order. They were stationed on Florrum, in an old Clone War base, built halfway into the cliffs, to take advantage of the coverage. The wide cavern was able to house many of the ships from the vicious sandstorms.

“Desert again,” Rey sighed. Luke patted her shoulder.

“I know exactly what you mean.”

Luke was ushered into meetings with General Leia after she gave them both quick hugs. Rey helped Chewie unload the ship and, unsure of what to do, offered to help with repairs. Chewie leapt at the help and directed her to the coolant drive he had been complaining about. She gamely climbed up top and began to remove the paneling to check it out. Inside, Chewie was banging around, grousing about the hyperdrive. Rey chuckled--he never meant it. The Falcon seemed to demand affectionate complaining.

  
“If it isn’t our newest Jedi,” a cheerful voice called out. Rey looked up to see Poe Dameron peeking at her from the ladder. She grinned and nimbly walked over to give him a hug. Poe had latched on to her quickly after Starkiller, once he learned she was friends with Finn.

“How is he?”she asked.

“Oh just asking about you every 5 minutes,” he drawled. Rey gasped and punched him in the arm lightly.

“The last message you sent said he was still out.”

“I know. He came around about an hour ago and the med droid just cleared him from company. It was touch n go here for a while, Rey.” He looked at her soberly as she climbed down the ladder.

“We didn’t know if he would survive the move here but we had to get out. Shortly after you left, we intercepted a fleet of TIE fighters.” Rey informed Chewie that she was going to see Finn and he teasingly asked her to make sure the former stormtrooper didn’t damage any more unsuspecting Wookies.

“I would’ve thought the First Order would’ve been too damaged after Starkiller base,” she replied, following him down twisting hallways.

“It is. They are recruiting heavily in the Unknown regions and other Outer Rim planets. The Kuat shipyards are up and running again and they’ve been raiding for materials. Now that General Organa is going to Coruscant to help get this kriffing Republic together again, we have more military support and can rely on what’s left of the New Republic’s spy ring. They are gearing up for something Rey and I don’t like it.”

They rounded the corner into the medical wing. Poe stopped her by gently grabbing her shoulder. He looked down at her gravely.  
“He was there, Rey.”

“Who?”

“Kylo Ren. He was spotted at D’Qar. One spy we left behind said that he was slowly going through things, looking for any reference to you.” Rey paused at the news, her heart taking off. She knew he had survived that night and would come looking for her. Poe watched her closely. They were bonded from their times at his hand although Rey knew that the monster had been far gentler with her than with him. She tried not to think about that nightmare figure who cut Finn into ribbons and who took away the only father figure she could remember. Her lip trembled as she drew in calming breaths, willing the Force to ease away her pain.

“I just wanted you to know. He’s on the hunt for you. And he’s got a large bounty on your head. Almost as large as the one the First Order has on Finn.” He grinned. “But we won’t let them get you. You’re all ours!” Rey smiled tremulously at that and put on her game face to see Finn. She didn’t want to ruin their reunion with her fears. A Jedi doesn’t let fear control her, she reminded herself.

Poe opened the door and she followed him into the small room. Finn was sitting in a chair, looking grim as a droid replaced a bandage. Upon seeing Rey and Poe, his face split into a wide grin.  
“Hey you’re okay!” he exclaimed. Rey ran to him and pushed the droid aside to envelope Finn in the deepest and longest embrace of her life. Neither wanted to let go, so deep was the joy at seeing each other alive and well.

The future she was fashioning held firm. Friends. Becoming a Jedi. A cause she believed in. She held Finn tightly and vowed to never let go.

_“So your friend lives,” he commented._

  
_“Yeah, yeah he does,” she smiled at the flowers the boy was weaving. He of ered her some stems and together they weaved a small chain._

_“I’ve never done this before,” she confessed as her fingers tried to copy his adroit movements._

_“Done what?”_

_“Made flower chains. My whole life was a desert. On Jakku, nothing grows. No plants, no life, not a whit of kindness.” The old bitterness crept into her words._

_“Careful now. Anger is the fastest path to the dark side,” the young man cautioned. Rey had begun to believe he was a figment of her mind, so often was he parroting Luke’s words about the Force. She was now fully relaxed around him, occasionally venturing into the forest with him, exploring downed trees and other nooks of the valley. She had begun to grow concerned when he didn’t show up or arrived at the tail end of the dream_

  
_“Do you have a name?” she asked. He looked up at her and stared into her eyes, searching. She willed herself still. Finally, he smiled so hard she was afraid it would crack his face._

_“I thought you’d never ask,” he grumbled. “Ben. It’s Ben.” Rey straightened and dug her nails into her palms._

_“Ben?!”_

_“Yes, I was named after an old family friend,” he replied quizzically. Rey forced herself to relax. It was a common name. She had met two other Bens just the other day at the Resistance base._

  
_“I’m Rey,” she finally responded._

_“Hello Rey.” he gestured toward her mangled chains. “If you’re done destroying those, want to explore the forest? I think there is another meadow west of here that we haven’t seen.” His easy manner soothed her. It was her dream. She smiled gratefully at him as he helped her to her feet and they ambled of into the woods, his hand still holding hers._

Rey was laughing so hard her belly ached. Finn had told the dirtiest joke right as General Organ  had walked into the room. He had gone silent and his embarrassment at it was only made worse as Leia had added the punch line.

“I’ve been around a few star systems, Finn. I’ve heard worse,” she said, patting his shoulder. Finn exhaled. At the First Order, being caught by a commanding officer meant punishment. He was still adjusting to the Resistance under the skilled guidance of Poe who seemed to feel personally responsible for him.

  
They were in the mess, eating a filling stew, before heading off to separate duties. Rey was still practicing with Luke, although he was often now in meetings with head officers. He had shed his Jedi robes for something some suited for fighting, brown pants tucked into boots, with a long tunic and belt. He was the eye of the storm and people seemed to hang on his every word. When they heard she was training with him, some gazed at her with awe, others with outright loathing. Poe’s acceptance of her helped her ease into base life and he found her a job working with other mechanics to fix ships. Her nimble fingers and keen eye could solve any problem and won the  
grudging respect of the more hardened section leader.

Finn was often dragged into meetings. They grilled him with questions about the First Order, about systems, ships, commanding officers, Snoke. Although they had access to the New Republic’s spies, so much was on Hosnian Prime that they were still cobbling together knowledge and systems and people. It made it all too easy for spies to slip in and Finn was their secret weapon. Privately, Finn still didn’t know if he was going to stay with the Resistance but his only plan had been to escape and to save Rey. He had done both. His future remained undecided. 

Rey was balancing on one hand, stacking rocks, and reorganizing tools, so deep into her meditation that she knew before he entered that Luke was coming to check on her. She deftly put the tools into their drawers, neatly assembled the rocks and moved to her feet as he watched.

“The Force is strong in you,” he said. Her lips twitched at that. He walked around their meditation area and began lightsaber drills.

“Today, we start with aggression, Rey. I will be attacking,” he warned before powering up his blade and charging at her. After a prolonged bout involving her nearly defeating him and Luke offering comments and suggestions throughout, Rey sat down and downed a whole bottle of water. She was covered in sweat and exhausted.

“This is good practice, Rey. A real battle can last for a long time and your opponent with take advantage of any weakness. And if you are fighting the Knights of Ren, they are aggressive, trained in attack forms.” He paused. “One thing to remember is that they have been trained by a former student of mine. They are familiar with my moves and the moves I taught.”

“I beat him once,” Rey said confidently.

“The Force favored you. He was wounded, you said. A bowcast blast can knock most men off their feet. Yet he was out in the snow fighting you.” He laced his words with urgency. “The worst thing you can do, Rey, is to underestimate the power of the Dark Side, to underestimate him. The Dark Side makes its users feel indestructible, Rey. It makes them reckless, it makes them feel like they can do anything. It is easier to tap into, especially when you’re fighting for your life.”

“You sound like you’ve tapped into it yourself,” Rey murmured. Luke gazed off into the distance before turning to give her haunted look and walking off.

Before he left, he noticed her staff leaning against the wall. “I didn’t know you found time to repair your staff.” She shot up. “Nice job.”

 

_“I hadn’t....” she whispered before turning to see the perfectly even staff._

_“How did you do that?” she asked Ben as soon as she saw him._

_“I don’t know,” he cried frustrated. “Sometimes things from this world can affect the reality. I guess I must have really wanted your staff to be repaired. But you must have really wanted it too.”_

_“What?”_

_“Feeling is important here,” he emphasized. “Our feelings sustain this place. We want to feel relaxed and at peace so we are at a meadow. If we wanted to feel isolated, I dunno, maybe we’d be on Hoth or trapped on an asteroid.” He laughed. “I am guessing here, it’s mostly trial and error. Like you. Learning as we go.”_

_“What do you do, Ben? Outside of here?” She leaned back on her arms and bared her face to the sun. He was watching her, she knew, but she didn’t feel tense with him. His explanation made sense. Sometimes she woke up feeling full. But the idea that he was a figment of her mind was gone now. She sensed he was someone real in the galaxy. Maybe someone she could someday meet. The thought tugged at her and she realized how eager she was at the idea._

_“I’m a pilot. I fly ships. Sometimes I’m hired for freighters, worked for a while for a commercial starliner. That was a bore,” he rolled his eyes. She laughed and he grinned down at her. “What do you do?”_

_“I’m a mechanic,” she replied.Half truths were best. “I can fix anything.”_

_“Oh , yeah? Anything?”_

_“Anything! I once found a Ghtroc Industries light freighter half buried in the sands in Jakku and fixed it up myself. It had crashed a while ago but after about a half a year, it could fly.” Pride swelled in her breast as she remembered the crusty, sand covered ship and how she nurtured it back to life._

_“You must’ve loved that. How much did you get for it?” Ben asked. Rey frowned as feelings of frustration and distrust flooded her. They had taken the ship, lied, left her nothing. She hadn’t even cried that night. Jakku had taught her to never trust kindness and she had ignored that._

_Until Finn._

_“Yeah it was alright,” she mumbled. They sat together in companionable silence, watching the birds dipping toward the water and coming up with fish. She never felt like she had to say anything to him. Harmony filled the valley and she found herself looking more and more at his face. At his strong jawline, her proud aquiline nose, his thick brown hair. His lips. Rey felt her stomach tighten as she realized her was doing the same to her. He lifted a hand and slowly traced his finger down her face. She nodded once, almost imperceptibly. He slid down and rested his head on his hand for a moment, his elbow next to her head. She felt her breath tighten and her_   
_chest constrict. She had kissed before. A terrible fumbling of hands and dry lips with a boy on Niijima station. She had swore of of it, after his hands had travelled where they shouldn’t. He had left her with a swollen lip after she had chomped down on it._

_Ben chuckled as if he could hear her thoughts. He hadn’t stopped tracing her face. Rey was flooded with heat in that moment. Finally he leaned down and placed his lips on hers, gently, testing. Hungrily, she responded and they spent a few moments teasing each other before he sank fully onto the ground next to her, wrapping his arms around her and she let herself drown in the sensation of kissing him._

_Dizzy, she pulled back.“I don’t think I should be doing this,” she whispered._

_“Why?” he was puzzled, his lips red and swollen. A Jedi does not let emotions control her, Rey knew, and willed the dream away._

 


	3. And Let the Devil Take the Hindmost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have that bond, Rey. And now we are here.”
> 
> “Will we ever meet?” she gasped. She was too dizzy with the warmth flooding her system, her racing heart to absorb what he was saying. He was overwhelming her  
> senses with his mouth on her collarbone, his hands teasing her skin as they slid up her back, his fingers dipping below her waistband.
> 
> “Tell me where you are and I’ll come to you. Pilot remember?” he bit her earlobe gently and continued to kiss her. His hand slid up her back again, under her shirt and  
> he began stroking her. She arched back into his hands. She didn’t care anymore. She was consumed with a heaviness pooling between her thighs.
> 
> Rating up here? Maybe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Desparado philosophy.
> 
> “Now then, thought I, unconsciously rolling up the sleeves of my frock, here goes for a cool, collected dive at death and destruction, and let the devil fetch the hindmost.”  
> Melville

The following day was dreary. Outside a sandstorm raged. Inside a flurry of people and droids filled the corridors and caverns as they prepared for Leia’s departure and Luke’s assumption of her role. Data in and out of the offices and meeting rooms all day. Rey sat her mechanic’s bench, a broken compressor in front of her, but she couldn’t focus. She still felt him on her lips. Her hand drifted upwards and her fingers ghosted over them. They felt swollen as if she had spent hours with them pressed against someone else. She ached for that dream to be real so hard that it was a lump in her belly. She had never wanted something so bad.

She remembered how he had eased his way into her dreams. He made her laugh, put her at ease with dumb jokes, told ridiculous stories about his trips in the galaxy. He never made her feel embarrassed for what she knew could be downright rude table manners--he would usually offer her more food without comment and she would catch him licking juice off his fingers too. She idly thought about him licking the juice off her fingers and shivered. Luke had said the old Jedi forbade relationships but he thought that was a folly. Compassion and love helped sustain people in the darkest of times and could keep the dark side at bay. He never mentioned lust though.

“Hey, there she is!” Finn exclaimed and sat down next to her. “What are you doing, Rey?” Startled, Rey jumped and dropped the spanner set on the ground.

“What? Oh nothing”, her cheeks burned pink.

“Are you okay? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drop a tool,” he inquired as he crouched next to her to collect the spanners.

“Yeah, yeah, rough night,” she mumbled. She straightened up and silently told herself to get her act together. “You figure out what you are doing next?”

“Poe had mentioned needing help training shooters. I was working with Kyp to program some shooting simulators. I know how the First Order thinks and how they trained us so we can use that  
to our advantage. I even sat in on some ship maneuvers so I need to give that information to Poe.” Rey smiled and laid a hand on his arm.

“That’s great, Finn! That could really make a difference.”

“Yeah, well, they hauled my carcass around for a while. You can’t even tell he split me. Besides, I found out about the bounty on my head. I figure it’s safer here for a while.” Finn and Rey sat silently together, contemplating their futures. They knew they were living on borrowed time. A soldier and a scavenger always live with death as a companion and the gravity of their situations never escaped them. Rey knew as much as she wanted to explore finding her family that it could possibly distract her and could put them in danger if the First Order even found out. Sometimes she longed for the days back in the AT-AT when all she had to do was figure out where the next meal was coming from. Sometimes she wondered if Finn felt the same way too.

Their reverie was broken by the excited call of Poe who was jogging over to embrace them and invite them to dinner.

_His hands ran through her hair and she leaned back into them. They had not spoken a word, had ignored the food and drink in the tent, and instead had pressed their bodies into one another, kissing so hard and quickly that their teeth clicked and he accidentally nipped her lower lip so hard it bled. After that, they laughed awkwardly and shared food, slowly spooning ice cream into one another’s mouths, trying different fruits, licking bits of cream off their fingers. Rey never felt more wanted in her entire life. His eyes never left her and neither did it seem his hands, even if he was just laying one on her knee or tracing his name on her shoulder. Rey knew where this was heading and was hesitant. She knew her training was incomplete and worried how it could affect her commitment to the light. But when Ben was kissing her, she couldn’t care about the light or the dark, just the feel of his warm hands on her skin, the heat unfurling inside of her, the buoyancy in her steps. He whispered that he was fascinated with her, that she lived in his thoughts in all the worlds, that he longed for her when she was gone._

_She had never felt so wanted. She wanted this to continue forever._

“Rey, are you feeling okay?” Luke asked. He had come into the mess hall to find her as she was running late. Rey was pouring her third cup of caf, willing herself to wake up. She had slept heavily and woke up feeling drugged.

“I guess I’m just tired. Overslept,” she replied.“I imagine I could use the Force to re-energize?” Luke frowned.

“That's close to a selfish use of the Force,” he chastised softly. “Remember, the Jedi weren’t emotionless but they let compassion and the desires for peace and knowledge guide their actions. Using the Force to help you wake up in the morning is not beneficial to anyone but you. The Dark Side believes the Force exists to meet their will; it is intrinsically motivated. We are motivated by others--we sometimes tap in to help us heal if we are sick or injured in battle but that is so we can go on with our goal of keeping peace.”

  
“I really don’t see the difference,” she confessed.

“Sometimes it’s hard to perceive that the difference between the Dark and the Light is not a difference in kind but in degrees. It’s really the same coin, just perceived differently by each user. There are definite things that you do or feel--ways to be with the Force--that separate the Dark side and the Light. But it is often how close we get to using the Force for personal gain, at the expense of others, that sets us on that path,” Luke replied. Rey felt slightly more confused by this lack of explanation but she honed in on how husky Luke's voice had become, how worn-out.

  
“Did you get challenged on this a lot?” Rey asked. Luke paused and stared at his hands.

“Kylo Ren was a student of mine when he was Ben Solo. He was enamored of the Dark Side,” He gave a wan smile. “He found order attractive--given that he was often dragged to one side of the galaxy from another or left in the hands of nannies, you can see why. The Dark Side can help flush out that which we dislike the most and elevate that which we want the most. Our Jedi training does too but it requires acceptance and change. The Dark Side doesn’t. It’s easy power, it’s an easy oblivion.” He rushed on.  
“And despite what you think, Rey, he didn’t lash out at Han because hated him. He killed him to ease the pain. The Dark Side brings great turmoil. I can still feel it in him. He believes the pain will overcome it. He believes Snoke can grant him the peace he seeks. He has equated power with peace.” He looked at her, searchingly. “You can bring him to the Light, Rey. We can save him. Darth Vader turned at the very end. I believe that is still possible for Ben.”

Rey choked back tears. “I saw him cut Finn with a blade. I saw him kill his own father."  Luke said nothing. He radiated peace as she battled at the rising grief. She wondered if she would ever get over that terrifyingly long night, where he hunted them in the forest and pushed her to the edge. She occasionally dreamt about the interrogation room but rarely anymore.

“We can’t ever truly know what is going on in someone else’s mind,” Luke offered. He stood up.

“No more training today.” Rey slumped in her seat and welcomed the respite. Living almost two lives was slowly catching up to her and she began to worry that she was preferring her time with Ben than with Luke,Finn, Poe. But she dreaded dealing with it today. Tomorrow, she thought firmly.

_“I know what I know!” she raged at Ben. She had explained the whole conversation with Luke. Ben knew about Han and Kylo Ren from earlier conversations. He sat silently as she stumbled her way through explaining this morning’s conversation, seething anger. He toyed with a glass of Rodian wine while listening._

_“Listen, Rey,” he began haltingly. “Your teacher is right in one sense. We can’t ever really know what’s going on in someone else’s mind.”_

_“He killed his father!”_

_“People do lots of crazy things out of pain. Wives stab their philandering husbands because they are in pain. People ask to die because they are in pain,” his voice was soft. He stood next to her and began kneading her shoulders. She sighed and sank into his firm hands. He began to lay a trail of kisses along her throat, her jaw, before turning around and finding her mouth. She pushed her anger aside and let herself melt into him, into the passion he offered. He helped her forget._

 

Rey was assigned to a group to scout Omereth, an Outer Rim water planet. Intelligence had indicated that the First Order had been seen in that sector and spending a long time on the planet, in the southern archipelagos. The spies had seen them fled and Luke wanted to know why they were there. The Republic often dismissed the planet but perhaps the First Order found something.

Or perhaps it was a trap. A Jedi on the team could potentially sense a trap before it strikes, they whispered, although Luke quickly squelched that.

“I can’t sense a trap?” she asked as he walked her toward the transport ship.

“Some Jedi can. But you seem to be an excellent saber fighter and excel at battle meditation, Rey. Life form sensing may not be your strongest skill. But you are a strong fighter and would be a fine asset in any case,” he smoothed her hair from her face in a fatherly manner. He frowned and stared intently at her. Rey squirmed under his scrutiny.

“Are you okay, Rey?”he finally asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“There’s something different about you.” He paused and she could sense that he was scanning her with the Force. Evidently he found nothing because he stepped back with a small frown and a  
hmph.  
“Be safe. And may the Force be with you.” Rey stared at him for a moment longer beford boarding the ship.

 

_The fervor between the two was growing into a heightened pitch. Rey knew how this would end. She would wake up aching each morning, feeling the whisper of hands of her hips, her back, entangling in her hair. He ground his hips into hers and she gasped. She was torn between being ready and being ashamed at these ridiculous fantasies. His hand was sliding up her shirt to cup a breast delicately and she pulled away._   
_“What? Too quickly?” Ben looked at her with hooded eyes. She was loathed to pull out of his arms but this was becoming all too consuming. “Rey, please. I’m sorry.”_

_“This can’t be happening. This isn’t real.” He smiled coldly at her. She frowned._

_“Isn’t it? You didn’t notice the bruises this morning?” Rey stilled and drew a sharp breath through her nose. She did. In the shower, she had frowned over faint purple marks on her hips, as if hands had gripped her too tightly. She had brushed it_   
_of as work related but then remembered seeing the ghost of a bruise at her collarbone and had worn a high collared shirt. Memories flooded into her of seeing his marks all over her body. She stepped back from him. Ben sat up and picked up his shirt where it had been tossed on the ground._

_“How is this real? Who are you really?” Ben stepped toward her and slid an arm around her waist. His response was a delicate kiss._

_“I trained at the Jedi Academy, Rey. A long time ago. I’m older than you but here, I can be young. I can be what you desire. Sometimes Force users can bond.” He began running his hands through her scalp, down her hair, his lips planting soft kisses on her as he murmured. He pressed his face close to hers, bending down from his incredible height. He could almost envelope her entire side with one hand._

_“We have that bond, Rey. And now we are here.”_

_“Will we ever meet?” she gasped. She was dazed with the warmth flooding her system, her racing heart to absorb what he was saying. He was overwhelming her senses with his mouth on her collarbone, his hands teasing her skin as they slid up her back, his fingers dipping below her waistband._

_“Tell me where you are and I’ll come to you. Pilot remember?” he bit her earlobe gently and continued to move his mouth over her skin, claiming her with one press after another. His hand slid up her back again, under her shirt and he began stroking her. She arched back into his hands. She didn’t care anymore. She was engulfed with heaviness pooling between her thighs. Rey wanted to tell him. At the last minute, she turned the name of the planet into a gasp as he slid her shirt of . His mouth claimed hers again and he pulled her to the bed. He pressed his hips into hers, holding his weight of of her. He never once letting up caressing her as his mouth moved south. Rey drifted. She had never felt this good before. Sure, alone, she hadn’t denied herself self-_   
_pleasure but she was overwhelmed her. His hands were in all places at once, he was coaxing little gasps from her that she was sure in in her saner moments she would be ashamed of. She feltpressure in her mind but pushed it aside as he began to untie her pants._

_She let herself fall._


	4. Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You and your words flooded my senses  
> Your sentences left me defenseless  
> You built me palaces out of paragraphs  
> You built cathedrals"  
> Hamilton: An American Musical

Rey woke up with a start, her heart racing, her hands gripping the sheets tightly. She felt a heat spread through her body and need pulse between her legs. The memory of his every single kiss and his delicate caresses lived again on her skin. She felt bogged down with desire coursing through her skin, compelling her to dream again. She was unfinished.

Awareness of others in bunks around her sank in and she staggered out of bed and into the ‘fresher to take a cold shower. She needed to tell Luke. This was becoming unbearable. She needed to find Ben and determine if she really was becoming unhinged, or if she could actually experience what he was offering her. If they could find a moment away from this madness and she could discover what it would mean to be someone’s whole world outside of her--let's be honest, Rey, she thought--outside of these fantasies.

Later that afternoon, the recon team came back to their makeshift camp. So far, they searched a half dozen islands and found nothing of note. Rey and Poe were heading out to check theirs. She straddled her land speeder and grinned at Poe on his. He jumped the kick starter and raced off, Rey close behind. She enjoyed the feeling of the ocean spray in her face as they zoomed west. Omereth was covered in water, with only few vividly green islands jutting up from beneath the surface. Several were  
covered in water most of the day and others teemed with life. She had read how the oceans herehad vast ecosystems and life forms that even rivaled Mon Calamaris water civilizations. Long ago used by the Hutts as a stopping point, there were a few abandoned sites on the islands.

Rey could sense a change in the air when she and Poe approached an island. A tugging at her stomach, an insistence that she stop and check it out.

“I’m going for a closer look here,” she told Poe. He waved and signaled that he would head to the next one. He doubted they would find much. 

Rey stopped the bike shortly beyond the shore line. She longed to dig her toes into the sand and dive into the waters, but work first. She was greeted by a tranquil forest, mostly silent. This island was small, barely two kilometers wide. She stealthily slid through the jungle, reaching out with the Force to sense anything outside of native life. She was reading nil, just a drowsy heat pressing on her. After about a twenty minutes, she reached a clearing. An abandoned building squatted in the middle, mostly  
covered in growth, crumbling in places. She carefully moved around the edge, not daring to step out into the clearing. After she was sure no one was there, she moved out into the open to inspect the building.

As she neared the entrance, the door slid open. Rey reached for her lightsaber and watched in disbelief as Kylo Ren stepped out of the building. She ignited the saber and witnessed storm troopers pouring out of the building, blasters clearly trained on her. She was trapped. There was no way she could take on two dozen troopers and Kylo Ren. She forced herself to exhale and to find her center. The Force was her ally. She needed to trust it.

“Don’t be stupid,” Kylo Ren said through his mask. Rey could tell it was new, darker, the chrome gleaming in the sunlight.

“Hiding the scar I gave you?,” she taunted, silently begging Luke’s forgiveness. Her fear was pushing her to new heights and she began to draw in calming breaths. Her heart began to settle.   
“Trying to go down fighting? How noble. And foolish.” He ignited his blade and stalked toward her. Surprisingly, he assumed a defensive position. Rey expected him to attack but instead he was waiting on her. He seemed calmer than before and if possible, even more menacing. She vainly struck out and he neatly parried before returning a fast thrust toward her. She slid into the thrust, using her strength to push back against his aggressiveness and quickly dropped her  
arms and swung for his sides. He parried and slammed his elbow into her face. She stumbled back and brought her blade up to meet his as he deftly moved his blade around her. She was now on the defense and could barely get an edge in otherwise, occasionally getting close. Finally she seared off an edge of his cloak and was rewarded with a blaster bolt in the leg. Another hit her in the arm, knocking her saber from her grip. Crying out, she fell to the ground.

Kylo picked up her lightsaber. He cradled it close to him as if it were precious.

“Not just for show, after all,” he said to the trooper. “Take her on board and treat the wounds.”

“Cheater!” Rey snarled. Kylo Ren regarded her impassively.

“Fighting fair is a sure way to lose.”

“How did you know we would be here?” she ground out as the troopers wrestled her to her feet. She winced as pain shot through her almost useless leg.

“You told me.”

“Liar!” she shrieked. Kylo gestured for the troopers to stop as he strode toward her. He crouched down and brought his mask next to her face. She could see the care he had taken in constructing  
this one. It’s cool metal briefly touched her flushed skin and she jerked back.  
“You did, Rey. Don’t you remember our afternoons in the meadow, with the Rodian wine and cake? You told me.” He kept his voice low, close to her ear. Rey froze. She felt blood rushing in her ears. “No,” she whispered, her chest tightening, her breath coming in raggedly. She searched the mask in front of her, longing, needing, to see his face.

Ren stood and waved imperiously at the soldiers. They began to half drag, half carry her toward a troop carrier concealed in the jungle. She ran through every single moment in the meadow since Ben appeared and details, half-ignored,  
began to floor her memory. She had brushed them away as products of her dream state. The scar across his face that would appear in certain lights. How he would occasionally dwarf her when he held her close. How he would slip into a dark figure, his laugh forced, his questions probing about her work with the Resistance.

No.

It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be.

Memories raced through her mind, jumbling, whirling as a fresh wave of terror and revulsion flooded through her. He had built her a palace out of her dreams and longings and fears and had lulled her into a sense of safety before striking. He had seduced her. He had made her cry in his arms. He had told her he cared for her, wanted to be with her. She had trembled beneath him, laying bare all of her secrets and longings and he had told her he wanted to her forever. That he wanted to come find her, remove any lingering abandonment.

She felt that all crumble and she abandoned herself to her misery.


	5. The Art of War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "All warfare is based upon deception.  
> Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, then crush them." Sun Tzu, the  
> Art of War  
> Potential trigger warning. Kylo Ren seduced Rey under false circumstances and she  
> consented. He is more than willing to use the consequences to his advantage.

Rey slowly awoke, pushing through a haze of pain throbbing in her leg. She felt clumsy, her head full of cotton, and faintly woozy. She sluggishly pushed herself up to rest on her elbows to took stock of the claustrophobic room. She rested on a hard bench, harsh unfiltered lights shined on the center of the room, and a few steps away was a door with no keypad. A prisoner cell, then. A bacta pad and bandage covered her arm and she tested it, feeling little pain. She wiggled her toes and was rewarded with pain lancing through her. She clenched her teeth and tried to ignore it.

  
She had been in worse places. It settled into a deep throb and she inspected the bandages to see it was expertly wrapped, although no pain medication seemed to have been provided. Given how well cleaned up she was, Rey wondered how long she had been out and why they were healing her if she were to be tortured later. She shuddered as she remembered the interrogation on Starkiller base, the confining chair, Kylo Ren looming over her, his hot breath skimming over her skin. Rey felt tears gathering behind her eyes as memories of his seduction, of how stupid she had been.

Never had she felt so wanted in her life. He had given her exactly what she craved--he had approached her with care and consideration, gliding delicate fingers over her, always asking permission, adoring her with his every kiss and glance. And in her mind, in the dreams, she had actually let him make love to her. Now she wanted to vomit, to scrub and to sanitize her body to remove any lingering traces.  
Pity party over, Rey, she reminded herself sternly as her emotions threatened to override any sense she had left. This was a fast track to the Dark Side. Slowly she pulled in calming breaths and  
reached out for the Force--

and felt nothing.

Frantically, Rey tried to dive into a meditative state. She realized with horror he could not push her pain away. She could not feel anything outside of what she was actually touching. Her mind felt shut off, almost achingly empty after living with the Force for so long. She strained at her senses--but nothing.

The Force was gone.

  
She sat up fully, grimacing in pain, and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She had two thoughts: she could sit here and wallow in her fear or she could focus. Fear and panic had taught her nothing on Jakku and she doubted it would do anything for her now. If she couldn't feel the Force, it was because maybe she was in a special cell. For a moment, Rey felt triumphant--the only reason Kylo Ren would deny her the Force was because she was more powerful than him. She let that pride eat away at her distress as she carefully scanned the cell and tested how well her leg could hold her. Damaged but she could walk. She could ignore the pain. She began stretching her leg fully before pointing her toes back at her, pushing the muscle as hard as she dared,  
kneading her calf, as she pulled in calming breaths.

After what felt like hours, the door slid open. He walked in, masked, a droid trailing with a tray of food. Beelpop melon, cavellian creams, pukkha broth, cassius tea--all of her favorite foods. Rey ‘s lips curled as she watched the droid trundle toward, a wave of nausea threatening to overtake her. The droid placed the tray next to her and left the room. Rey stared at Ren, knowing she radiated loathing and disgust. 

  
“How do you feel?” he asked without preamble.

“Why do you care?” Rey shot back.

“Oh I care very much, Rey. You know I care. I told you I would come to you,” his voice was emotionless behind the mask. Rey felt tears spring to her eyes and she fought them back. She would give him nothing. She clenched her teeth and glared. Better to turn it to anger, she thought. No regrets.

After a moment of studying her face, he reached up and removed the mask. Rey searched the face that had haunted her nightmares and had somehow morphed into a man who had worshiped her  
and whom she had cherished. He stared at her impassively, a pale scar dividing his features. Rey didn’t know what to say. She wanted to accuse him of so much, to leap at him and jam her fists in his face. Instead she leaned back and never removing her eyes from his face, picked up the mug of tea. No good fighting if you’re hungry, she reasoned, and took a sip. Its flowery warmth flooded through her and reminded her of the meadow--no, she could never go there again. She made a face and swallowed the tea, a bitter taste lingering in her mouth. 

  
“Why can’t I access the Force?” she asked casually, picking at a slice of melon. She noticed Ren was watching her intently as she sucked the juice off her finger tip before reaching for another.

“You really think I’d be so foolish as to let you do that?” he mocked. “I’ve seen your training, Rey, in your mind, while you are sleeping. You are strong in the Force.”

“So you admit I’m stronger than you.”

“No. But I’m not above taking an advantage of knowledge that an enemy doesn’t have.” Rey decided to ignore his pontificating.

“Am I drugged? Is there something special about the cell’s material?” she pressed. Ren cocked his head at her.

“You really expect me to answer.”

“I expect some sort of answers. You owe me that at the very least.” She met his gaze, surprised at how steady her voice was. She focused to keep her face calm. Ren started at her before he looked  
away and cleared his throat.

“Alright, here are some. You are currently on board the Finalizer, you cannot access the Force in this room, and you are on your way to Supreme Leader Snoke. You will be perfectly safe in here. I’ve been assured we have all your favorite foods on board so please, don’t have a hunger strike.” He ran a quick eye over the nearly empty tray. “Although with you, that’s hardly an issue.”

“As I recall, you enjoy a good meal yourself,” Rey rejoined softly. She couldn’t stop the pain edging into her voice. Ren looked up sharply at her tone and gazed at her face, as if seeking some sort of answer therein. She schooled her features to resemble nothing, cursing herself for giving him any hint of victory. Ren fidgeted. She could tell he wanted to pace but couldn’t. The cell was too small. It was overcrowded with him hunched in a corner, barely a half a meter between them. She turns away  
from his scrutiny.

  
“What happens when I am handed over to Snoke?”, she asked. Ren, if possible, stilled even more.

“You will be tortured for information about Skywalker. Then you will be offered a choice--death or join the Knights of Ren.” His voice is even but he can’t keep out the note of triumph. “I don’t particularly care for either of those choices,” Rey replied coolly. “There is no middle ground with the Supreme Leader. That will be your first lesson when you become my student.”

She responded to his dig with one of her own, drawling: “Yes, and I supposed the top lackey would know.” Ren snorted.

“Your petty taunts mean nothing to me. Remember, I’ve you seen bare, Rey. All of you,” he laced his voice with meaning and his eyes roamed over her body, his lip curling upward, possession gleaming in his eyes. Rey hunched over and crossed her arms over her chest. She glared at him. 

“What do you want?” she spit out. He didn’t answer, continuing to watch her. Silence settled over the pair, almost familiar and almost comfortable, an old friend. Rey rejected the notion and pushed it aside, willing herself to ignore him and began to meditate. It took all of her strength to close her eyes in front of him and fold her legs into the lotus position. She hissed as her leg protested movement. A beat later, she heard the door slide open and Ren leave.

It will take all of her courage and wits to survive meeting Snoke. She has to focus and ignore the hole in her heart where all of her longings and hopes used to be. Time to close it, she thought. A hour or so later, a pair of stormtroopers enter, a medical attendant between them. She is bearing a tray.

“Lord Ren indicated you were in some pain. I am here to examine you,” she began, rapidly punching keys on a holopad. She gestured toward Rey’s leg and knelt to examine it. She prescribed some medication and moments later, Rey sagged as the dull ache in her leg fades. While the doctor attended to her, the troopers kept their blasters leveled at Rey’s head and heart. Once they leave, Rey blew out her air and lets the pretense fall. Rey collapsed to the side and softly began to cry. Never had she cried so much on Jakku, the heat eating away all of her moisture. But at least it allowed her hopes and dreams. Ren had taken those from her and she felt as if she had nothing of herself anymore. Dullness throbs in her chest as she wiped away her tears. She couldn’t let him win.

Quietly, she focused on Finn--his easy smile, his warmth, his courage--and Poe, his kindness, his camaraderie, on Leia and her quick acceptance of Rey, the way she ran a motherly hand over her hair, the peaceful afternoons where she asked Rey in for tea, for a quick chat--stolen moments for a general, looking to ease her grief. Of Luke, who cheated at cards, whose gentleness and love for her took her breath away when she thought of it. The bond they had formed on the island had carried through to the Resistance base--how he always asked first, how he let her take the lead in lessons, how he trusted her to know where her limits were. She had love. She had a family. Rey curled into a ball and holding her thoughts close, fell into what she hoped was dreamless sleep.

_She was at meadow. No, no, no, she couldn’t be here, she cried. She whirled around and began to run, run away from the tent, and the flowers, and the waterfalls, and all the deceit. Trust and acceptance had ruined her once before. How could she not learn? Didn’t the desert teach harsh lessons? How could she be so stupid not to remember? She even began to wonder if her newly fashioned family wouldn’t just abandon her too. They didn’t even know where Snoke was--it was constantly drummed into Resistance spies to find him. She was left alone. Sobbing, she threw herself down on a bed of moss, nestled between tree roots, and let despair take her. She didn’t see Ben watching over, anguish stamped on his face._


	6. Sustained Possibilities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kylo invites Rey to dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "In flirtation, one does not take risks, one only sustains their possibilities."   
> Adam Philips, On Flirtation

It was a sleepless night for the most part. Rey jolted awake after a few hours and tossed restlessly, reluctant to return to her dream land. All pleasure and meaning had been drained away, leaving only hollow images, chasing her into corners. She assumed Ren had been manipulating her with the dark side of the Force and cursed herself for thinking she would be safe in her cell. She begun to worry that they would plague her until her death, certain on the horizon. A pragmatist she was, but she could not envision turning to the dark side just to escape with her life.

She squeezed her eyes shut and let her mind travel back to the island, to Luke’s soothing voice and found her center. Rey took small comfort in that so far Ben did not appear. A part of her longed to see him just to punish him, to teach him not to mess with scavengers from Jakku. And although Rey was loathe to admit it, tiny bit of her hoped he was as miserable as her, bones aching for tenderness, arms empty after weeks of fulfillment.

After her day of tears, Rey refused to let herself fall into despair. She allowed herself moments of melancholy and spent the first morning in her cell building walls around her heart, emptying herself. Beyond protection, she needed to ponder her survival chances. So far, she reasoned, they were stacked against her, confident that if she went to Snoke, if she went before him unprepared, that she would die. She was familiar with death, her constant companion during scarce months in Jakku, but she always planned to meet it with dignity and without fear.

Luminous beings are we; Luke’s lesson comforted her. She crafted a dozen plans in her head, discarding each of them. She needed more information and cursed Ren and the First Order for this useless cell and for whatever was blocking her from the Force. Rey continued her stretches and exercises, even though the tight space made more than a few  
bends and stretches impossible. She focused on meditating and breathing. They took her lightsaber but she ran through the forms as if she had one, mindful that she probably looked extremely silly on the closed circuit feed. She was visited three times a day by a droid, carrying a tray of foods, often one or two provoking memories of the meadow. She locked them away and deliberately wiped her mind of any association with food. She would form no attachments, she thought mercilessly.

On her second full day, she was escorted into a ‘fresher by a soldier. She scrubbed at her body, wishing to erase any trace of Ben. She rapidly blinked back tears upon noticing the fading love bites at her collarbone. She hated them, reviled them, wished to obliterate the memories her body seemed to cling to. Luke’s teachings tugged at her mind--she shouldn’t hate them. She vainly reached out to feel the Force and felt foolish. Loneliness. She had been alone before but rarely achingly lonely. The Force, a constant presence, was gone, letting her fully feel for the first time, a life without it. She felt trapped, with only her mind and her thoughts, running endlessly circles until thinking exhausted her. She leaned against the shower wall and let the water beat down her back and tried not to think.

  
Rey was escorted down hallways. A blindfold had been placed over her eyes. She reached out fiercely to try to sense the Force, hoping that away from her cell, that should tap in. But, again, nothing. She begun to wonder if the ship was in fact constructed of some material that could repeal the Force, despite the fact that would contradict everything Luke had taught her. After a lengthy walk, some time in a lift, and troopers digging their fingers so hard into her arm, blasters pressed firmly into her back, that she knew she would bruise for days, she was jerked to a stop. They took off her blindfold and she blinked rapidly, eyes adjusting to the light. She looked around her to see the trooper had a brown lizard like creature wrapped around a wooden frame attached to his uniform. The lizard stared balefully back at her. Rey stared at it, confusion on her brow, before she was shoved into a room.

  
A large sitting room greeted her. Doors closed off indicated other rooms in the areas attached to the sitting room. Off to her left was a small kitchen where Kylo Ren seemed to be engrossed in cooking. Rey took a moment to absorb that image, disbelief and fear creeping around her mind, fighting for dominance before a wry determination won. She continued to examine the room. Curiously, other branches with the brown lizards reclined, seemingly placed haphazardly. Rey briefly wondered if the First Order had a reptilian fetish as the troopers removed her wrist and leg restraints. She refused to acknowledge his presence.

“Ysalamir,” Ren’s low voice rumbled. “They aren’t really lizards, they are ysalamir. From Myrkr. I doubt Skywalker mentioned them to you.” Rey looked at him warily. She hadn’t expected him to offer up information. She refused to respond, mentally acknowledging the childishness of her actions. She rubbed her wrists to remove the feel of the binders.  
Ren was watching her, a cautious look on his face. “They can repel the Force. Or rather, they emit a bubble that doesn’t allow us to manipulate it.”

“And you think it’s a wise idea to have those around the ship?” she asked incredulously before chastising herself for talking. Her mind raced: how can an animal repeal the Force? She stepped closer to the lizard to inspect it. About 50 centimeters (19 inches long), the ysalamir gripped wooden branches, claws sunk deep into the wood. It looked completely unremarkable.

“They’re for you, Rey.”

“I’m flattered but I would prefer my freedom,” she retorted. Ren seemed to be busy chopping something, judging by the sounds. Rey began a slow tour of the room. “Aren’t you worried about being attacked?”

“I have my lightsaber and I excel in combat,” he replied,without grace or venom. “But thank you for your concern.”

“Yes, you excel so much that you bring stormtrooper back up to take out your opponents,” she mocked. He didn’t respond outside of a slight chuckle. Rey started at the sound, at how similar it sounded to Ben’s rich mirth. She quickly pushed the remembrance to the side and focused on what she was seeing. No attachments, she thought fiercely.  
She luxuriated in the warm, airy space after being cooped up in her tiny cell. She kept flicking glances at Ren, who seemed uninterested in her. She would show nothing, she told herself. But as the heady scents of fresh-- fresh!-- cooked foods hit her nose, her stomach grumbled loudly.

Traitor, she thought glumly at it.

Ren’s rooms were not what she would call extravagant but they were well appointed. The room was black and greys, much like the ship. Other than two spindly chairs, there were no other furnishings in what was clearly a living room. Shelves lined the wall, filled with what she imagined were art, although who could see something in the twisted metal sculptures. They would be better served as scrap for portions. She reached the end of her tour, taking in how the other doors were locked. She imagined  
stormtroopers were placed outside of his suites. She stood before a dining room and watched him carry steaming plates to the table. He gestured toward a chair before turning back to the kitchen to pick up his glass of wine. He had abandoned the cloak, dressed only in black tunic and trousers his mask nowhere in sight, hands hidden in gloves. His hair stuck to his head, dried sweat evident from the way his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, revealing forearms covered in scar tissue.

Rey inhaled sharply and turned her eyes to the table to scan for potential weapons. He had prepared a meal to be eaten without silverware. She cursed him under her breath.

“Please, join me for dinner,” he gestured again toward the food. The spicy smells intoxicated her, piqued her curiosity to determine if this waste of human space was capable of cooking. A quick glance into the kitchen showed pots and pans piled up. Her stomach once again reminded her that the droid had only come once this morning. She idly wondered if that was deliberate, in order to ensure her compliance at dinner. She didn’t doubt it. Ren was excellent at manipulation. She snarled inwardly as she realized she had become too used to three squares a day. Reluctantly, she moved closer to the table, one eye on Ren, scanning his face for a hint of his intentions. In the middle of the table nestled a warm pot of cassisus tea. Rey glared at it and clenched her jaw, her teeth biting her inside cheek furiously. She wanted nothing more than to throw it in his face.

Everything on the table was designed to provoke, yet again. Even the cream colored table cloth invoked the tent in the meadow. He had the gall to place a vase of flowers in the middle. It was all too extravagant and all designed to torture.

“What do you want from me?” she ground out. She wanted the charade to end. It was exhausting. Ren took a seat and began placing food on his plate.

“Dinner, that’s all. Please. I worked hard to cook these all for you.”

“Like I care,” she growled.. Ren sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. She sensed he was holding back with her, that his composure was fragile at best and the right provocation would yield the fight she wanted. She had heard rumors of his terrible temper, how he had lashed out with his saber when things weren’t going his way. She briefly wondered if the twisted metal sculptures were constructed from the damage he wrought.

“Rey, all I would like is dinner with you. We will be at Snoke’s soon. It’s imperative you are well- fed and strong for your meeting with him. He insists we treat you with the utmost care.” His voice was strained. He again pointed at a seat. “Please sit down and have some dinner. I promise you don’t have to talk. It’s just dinner.”

“I can eat dinner in my rooms.”

“Yes but I can’t eat dinner with you in your rooms,” he shot back. He stood up abruptly, walked toward her. Rey tensed and prepared for a fight. He pulled out a chair and again pointed at it.

“Sit.Down. The food is getting cold and I don’t anticipate dining with you standing up here pointing blaster bolt eyes at me with your grumbling stomach as background music.”

Rey scowled at him. He blew out his breath and waited. Finally, she edged forward and sat down. This close to him she could smell his aftershave and she inhaled sharply. Pine and moss, just like Ben’s, just like her meadow. She felt her fury rise in her throat and she pushed it down. Just eat and go, she said to herself. And, as punishment, she resolved to eat like the desert rat she was.

She loaded her plate after she watched him eat, convinced it wasn’t poisoned. She began to shovel the food in her mouth, rarely stopping to breathe. She noticed Ren had stopped and had glared at her, aghast at her manners.

“Force, I can’t take you anywhere,” he muttered as he slammed back his wine. She watched him chug it out of the corner of her eye while she gnawed at a bone. She didn’t want to admit it, but the meat was well spiced and cooked to perfection. But she couldn’t resist nettling him.

“Your droid cooks well,” she offered as she sat up and began licking sauce off her fingers. Dimly she noticed that he had frozen in her seat, meat halfway to his mouth, his eyes devouring her every move. She stopped and straightened in her seat. He cleared his throat and turned away.

“A droid doesn’t cook for me. I make my food,” he responded. Rey raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t know you were capable of creation. Only destruction.”

“Creation and destruction are the same force,” he replied simply. “It’s simple physics. It requires all the same energy. I created food but I destroyed something to make it.” Rey snorted.

“That is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard,” she snapped.

“I wouldn’t expect a simple scavenger to understand, especially one with such grotesque manners. Can you even read?” he poked. Rey drew back, wounded. She knew he has seen into her mind back on Starkiller base, her memories of her struggling to sound out words, aided occasionally by strangers at Niima outpost. Rey felt tears gather behind her eyes and pushed them back, grateful that the Force was gone and Ren could not read her thoughts now. She turned her attention to the food, picked up the mug of tea to warm her hands. She stared into the liquid and began to wonder about all of this extravagance. A well cooked meal, ysalamari, medical attention--her leg and arm were both  
healed, her leg bearing a pinking scar which was fading each day.

Ren was almost too attentive.

He had even said please earlier. She began to string together all of the thoughts, to determine his game. How did they all hang together? What did he want?

“Forgive me,” he said a moment later. “I shouldn’t have said that to you. I really do admire you, Rey.” Surprised she turned to look fully at his face. He was open, his brown eyes warm and full of depth. She would not let herself fall for it. “It takes a lot to survive and I’ve been to your hovel in Jakku.” Her brows shot up. How much dic he know? What had he been doing?

“Why?”

“Before one prepares for war, a general needs to know three things: the way, the weather, the enemy.”

“The weather?” She was skeptical. Ren laughed. Rey was jolted at how pleasant it sounded, how it mirrored Ben’s laugh almost exactly. His was lower than Ben’s, a rumble that started in his chest and slid, like velvet down her spine. It tugged at her belly. She banished the memories that began to creep into her consciousness yet again. Gods, how much attention she needed to give to not give something her attention. It grated on her nerves and she reminded herself that no matter similar they sounded, they were no   
the same.

  
“It’s old advice from before the Clone Wars. But many of the principles hold the same.”

“I didn’t realize we were at war.”

“Oh, Rey,” he said softly, breathing her name as if it were a prayer. She felt another jolt in her belly. Ben had sounded exactly like that as he had slid off her shirt, kissing every freckle on her body as if he were a devoted acolyte venerating his goddess. She inhaled shakily and stood abruptly.

“I need to use the ‘fresher,” she said. He gestured toward a door on the other side of the room. Aware that his eyes were watching her every move, she quickly hurried into the fresher and leaned against the closed door.

Her body was betraying her. Her skin was longing for his touch, her lips burning to graze his skin, to actually know if his stubble felt as raw against her jaw as she had dreamt. She vibrated with want. She drew in slow calming breaths and worked to center herself. She knew what he was doing. She would not, would not, be taken in this way again. She loathed how he made her feel so important, so vital to him, as if his being revolved around her. Ren had played on her secret yearning to be loved and to be wanted. She refused to be baited again. If this was war, all war was based on deception and he had a lead on her. She would not yield.

Rey returned to the dining room and finished her meal in silence, avoiding his gaze. Ren had said very little in return and had begun to clean up the kitchen when the troopers arrived to escort her to her cell, where she collapsed on the bed in relief, and shakily forced herself into some sort of calm, refusing to acknowledge the effect he still had on her traitorous heart, her treasonous body.

She felt entombed in her aching skin and forced herself to meditate, to will it all away.


	7. Fools We Make Ourselves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Why would a person want to understand someone, or even cure them, rather than  
> have sex with them?” Adam Philips, "Terrors and Experts"

The next day ran much like every other. Rey ran exercises and stretches in her cell. They gave her a holopad with books loaded on it but without access to the mainframe or databases. She spent some time trying to unlock it but gave up, realizing they must have removed the chip which would allow her to hack into their systems. She spent time thinking about Kylo Ren, what she knew of him, of Ben, of war. She suspected that she would be requested to dine with him until they arrived at Snoke’s planet, wherever that may be. The Resistance had believed it existed away from  hyperspace channels, making it difficult to get to without a long journey.

A trooper arrived at her door again just as she guessed and escorted her to the ‘fresher. She handed Rey a pile of clothes and gestured toward a collection of beauty products to brighten her skin and darken her eyes. She glowered at them. As if she would get tarted up for him.

But the clothes were a marked improvement over her fatigues that she had been wearing since she  arrived. Privately, she was relieved that they were providing her with something fresher. The clothes consisted of a square necked russet colored tunic that fell to her knees and ended with a three quarter length sleeves. Beige leggings and fawn colored boots completed the set as well as fresh underthings. Everything was of fine cloth, smooth between her fingers and light against her skin. Rey’s cheeks burned as she realized how they would’ve measured her for them.

She was blindfolded again as she is escorted back to his rooms. They deposited her into the warm foyer, redolent with sharp smells and nectarous scents. Her mouth immediately began to water. She noticed that the sitting room now had a couch with a low table in front of it and eyed it cautiously. Ren was, again, unmasked and cooking. Steam wafted around him, his black hair clinging to his face. He absently brushed it away as he briefly looked up to greet her.

“Evening. Drinks are on the table.” She turned to see two glasses of wine waiting on the sitting room table. She lifted her chin proudly.

“Before we get started, let’s make one thing clear. I am not your prostitute,” her voice was firm.

He looked up startled. “What?” He was holding a pot of something steaming and furiously swore as he transferred it to another plate.

“The makeup, the clothes,” she prompted him. “I owe you nothing.” She continued to challenge him as she took in his bewildered expression before he responded absentmindedly. His attention was still clearly on the food preparation process.

“I don’t know what gave you that idea. I asked them to use what medical data they had to find you some clothes. You were smelling ripe yesterday. I thought you’d be pleased.”

“Lingerie and makeup are a little bit more than ‘some clothes’” she countered. He laughed dryly while he carried the plates to the table.

“That wasn’t my idea but maybe I should thank someone?” His voice was sardonic as he began to clean up the kitchen. “Dinner is almost ready. Let me know what you think of the wine.”

He wasn’t going to answer, she thought sourly, and it figures. Coward. She strode toward the wine and lifted the glass, sniffed it, and took a sip. It was gold colored and cool and felt as if she had placed petals on her tongue. It tasted of sunshine and hope but she banished the thought. She could never associate that with him. What was him and flowers, she wondered as she turned to inspect the table.

“We have lao-mon sliders and salad this evening.” He turned to see her run a finger down a fork, as if evaluating its use in planting it in his throat. She watched him as he warily walked toward her and placed a bowl of greens on the table. Rey was staring intently at him and he shifted under the weight of her gaze. He took a swallow of the wine and Rey noticed that he always stalked across rooms, grabbed at things, took large bites of food, gulps of wine or beer. She wondered if any possibility of delicacy existed within him.

They sat down and ate in silence. She caught him opening his mouth occasionally as if to say something but closing it quickly, his eyes averted. She drank her wine, snarkily complimented his cooking, and was escorted back to his rooms.

 

* * *

 

 

The scenes played eerily the same for the next two days. Morning and afternoons in her cell, devoted to stretches and meditation. She had been so long without the Force now that she wondered how it would feel when she could reach out to it again. She found herself loathing the ysalamir with all her heart. Evenings were with Ren in his rooms. Sometimes he talked to fill the silence, mentioning books and films she had never heard of. She sat stonily, eating an expertly prepared meal. Her heart occasionally skipped a beat when she caught him gazing at her face, occasionally when he gets too close and brushes her arm with the back of his hand. She reminded herself to refuse to show any enjoyment, to refuse to engage with him.

The dreams were nothing but an illusion to trap you, she told herself. 

  
By the fifth night, it was becoming ridiculous. She was weary of the silence, the way he treated her more like a treasured pet on a leash than a prisoner. She began to wonder what he got out of their dinners together.

While lying on her cot, she remembered a story Leia told her of Ben. He had been an awkward teenager, all elbows and knees, struggling to gain finesse with the Force. He had been massively talented at birth. Leia recounted how she walked into his nursery and had seen toddler Ben levitating in the air, laughing, and how her heart had stuttered. As a teenager, Ben struggled at the academy. The other students knew his grandfather had been Darth Vader and had teased him mercilessly. “He always had a soft heart,” Leia would say although Rey was skeptical at best. She had experienced no softness.

Until now.

In fact, he had been extremely solicitous. He asked her if she wanted more food or drink. He never prodded when she refused to answer. He held out her chair. Since her complaint about the makeup and lingerie, she had only been provided with plain clothes and no beauty products. She began to believe maybe Luke and Leia were right about him. But her instincts, honed by a harsh life and assisted by betrayal, kept her from trusting him completely.

“Where did you learn to cook?” she asked that night. He looked up at her, startled, and she noticed pleasure briefly flitting across his face.

“As a child, I was often left to my own devices. I also hated the food at the academy. So I taught myself.” He shrugged. “Seems like a good skill to have.”

“I bet your mother loved it when you cooked dinner,” she commented quietly. His face shuttered and his hands gripped his glass so hard that his leather glove creaked. “Sorry,” she quickly said and reached over to cover his fist with her hand. “ That was uncalled for.”

He slowed his rapid breathing and looked pointedly at her hand. Hesitantly, she withdrew it, wondering why she had offered comfort. 

Rey tilted her head back and blew out her breath, raising her arms overhead to stretch. Her full belly protested the movement. She took a sip of wine and steeled herself to ask what she had been longing to know since Ben had whispered into her ear their last night together. 

“You said--well Ben said--” she stuttered. She pauses to collect herself.

“Yes. I knew you at the Jedi academy,” he supplied. She looked at him sharply. She hardly dared breathe. “Your parents brought you to be tested when you were young. I didn’t know you exactly,” he clarified, “but I knew  _ of _ you. You were in a different class. At that point, I was frequently away from the Academy,  running errands for Skywalker.”

“Your uncle Luke,” she prompted.

“Ben Solo’s uncle,” he sneered. “Ben Solo is dead.”

“He wasn’t dead a few weeks ago.” 

There. It was out in the open. He smiled darkly, all teeth and edges. 

“No,  _ your version  _ of Ben Solo lives. In your mind.”

“How did you get in there?” she demanded, all but snarling, leaning out of her seat. She wanted him to confirm what she had come to consider truth. 

“Oh, come on, Rey. You know,” he taunted, his eyes merciless, his tone low and mocking. She bared her teeth at him and clenched her fists. “I really enjoyed watching that world develop. All it took were a few suggestions here and there to your sleeping mind. Did you like the way he kissed you? I thought you might. All soft, all following your lead. And you liked to be on top, just as I imagined.”

Rey leapt at him, her fist landing squarely in his face. He fell back out of the chair and sprang to his feet, his fist plowing into her gut. Her breath whooshed out of her with a jolt of pain. She dropped into a squat and jabbed, hitting his inner thigh.  He grunted and rammed his elbow into her chest. She scrambled backward, grabbed out for the chair and, steadying, swung it at him. He turned his back to her, taking the blow before whipping back and grabbing the legs. He pulled the chair toward him and wrapped his fingers around her throat, squeezing. She lashed out and jammed her elbow into his solar plexus, slammed her foot near his groin. Panting, he left go and she grabbed his arm, wrapped it around her shoulder and threw their bodies on the ground. She heard a satisfying crunch beneath her arm as she broke his nose. 

“You lied to me,” she yelled, almost hysterical. “You made me believe--”

“You believed what you wanted to!” he roared, blood pouring down his face as he yanked her up before pushing her back. She stumbled and fell over the couch. She crawled away, looking over her shoulder, as he stood watching her, breathing heavily, his face pulsing with anger. 

“Did you really think someone could want you?” He jeered. “A little scavenger savage, no breasts or hips to you?” 

They stalked around the room, she square across from him, her arms loose at her side. 

“I’ve seen you. Without the Force, you are nobody. “ He waved around the room. “What have you got? A few more punches left in you. Nothing.” 

Rey was panting, each breath bringing in a sharp sting. She eyed him cautiously as she looked for a weakness. He wiped the blood off his face, smearing it over his cheek, enlivening his scar. 

“Looks like your face has another gift from me,” she taunted right before she struck. The palm of her hand connected with his sternum and he stumbled back. She followed it up with a kick in his knee. He swayed but didn't go down--he snatched her ankle and twists, throwing her to the ground. She grunted and lashed out, jerking her foot near his groin. He jumped back and she rolled to her feet. As she turned to face him, he punched her, her jaw exploding in pain. His long reach means her return jab falls short. She hurled herself forward and hit him in the gut. They tumble down together. He hooked his leg around her and rolled her under him, grabbing both her wrists in his large hand. He sat squarely on her, his weight heavy. She bucked wildly, trying to throw him off, but, heaving, squeezed her wrists together painfully.  Winded, she paused and growlsed at him. 

And to her surprise, he savagely kissed her.  

And, to her equal astonishment, she responded. Hungrily, blindly, they nip at each other, his tongue slipping between lips to caress the inside of her mouth. He let go of her wrists and she buried her hands in his hair, running them through his thick dark curls. She had wondered how they felt for so long. His stubble scrapes against her face as he moved his lips across her, paying homage to each freckle on her cheeks, one finger running down her throat, the leather a glorious rasping against her skin. Rey felt her internal defenses fall as she pushed him back, her lips demanding, her nails digging into his back. His lips are softer than Ben’s, full, insistent. For a moment, Ben and Kylo blur into one another, and then he moved, so that she rests on top of him, his hands running up and down her shirt, kneading her arm muscles. 

He groaned and slid her down to sit fully on him, thrusting up against her, rubbing, pooling heat in her thighs, pulsing. She becomes aware of the heaviness in her breasts,  as if he willed them into being with his with his delicate touch. She loses herself in his fullness pressed against her, rocking insistently. He sighs in her mouth and she is living in seconds; it is agonizing how he draws out the short gasps from her, how soft flames are slowly licking up her thighs and sit heavily in her belly, building, burning, almost unbearable.

Rey’s rational mind screamed at her.  This was insanity itself. He has worn her down, his every move designed to seduce. He was her enemy--he had said as much. But in those moments, Rey can’t imagine anyone else’s hands, anyone else’s lips. His mouth is melded to hers, suckling at her ears, teeth biting softly before moving down to lick and suck at her collarbone. She can’t tell where she ends and where he begins. These strange thrills ripple through her, wrap her mind in a fog until she is a boneless, graceless thing at the mercy of his mouth and hands. 

With a grunt, Ren lifts her off him and slides away from her. His chest is heaving and she felt as if she only exists with his weight on her, dissipating into heavy skin, brimming with desire, as he pulls away. Her mind struggles to emerge through the haze. 

“Stormtroopers will be here any minute now,” Kylo Ren gasped. And it is Kylo Ren, a part of her mind insists, throwing up images of stormtroopers, a pulsing red lightsaber, a snow covered forest. She pushed them away, too impatient to fully follow when her body demands this now. 

“Can’t you send them away?” She’s pleading; she’s aghast at her pleading. He shook his head, curls clinging to his cheeks. 

“Everything I do is reported to Snoke,” he croaked out as he struggled to draw in calming breaths. Rey stills and her heart began to slow. 

Snoke.

She wondered if the room is bugged, if Ren was using the ysalamir to protect him from Snoke as much as prevent her from lashing out. She follows suit, using Jedi breathing--out the mouth, in the nose. 

Rey sat up and begins to straighten her clothes. Her heart, the treacherous little thing, cries out against her actions and she craves its  acquiescence to her sensible nature. That nature which is now shrieking at her in horror. She shoved it all into the dark corners of her mind as she began to pick up the mess of the room with Kylo. They are careful with each other, avoiding looking at one another, straining to keep the distance between them. She recognized that if either one crosses that hastily constructed line that they rule out any return. 

Moments later the stormtroopers arrive. The room doesn’t look as if there has been a tussle. Once his kisses have subsided, the pain in her jaw replaces it.  She is still flustered but Ren appears composed, wishing her a good evening and ordering a medical attendant to visit her as the blindfold is placed back on. 

Once the medical attendant leaves her alone in the cell, the room is darkened and she returns to Ren’s fervent kisses, his warm and callused hands, raising goosebumps on her skin. She thrust her hands between her legs and seeks out her pleasure he denied her. Alone, on Jakku, she could entertain herself with various ways to bring herself to completion but now there was an urgency. She wanted his hands on her. She wanted his lips to continue the journey down her throat, to the valley between her breasts, to rest between her thighs. The image of his worship there drove her over the edge and with a pleased sigh, she let herself fall into sleep. 

 

 

 


End file.
